Switching Ranks
by Mirrankei
Summary: After a particularly miserable mission, Gwen is left regretting ever taking command. Owen decides that getting everyone drunk and switching duties should help. Set after End of Days.


"Oh God," Gwen moaned, and since it was the first thing she'd said since they got back to the Hub, the meager conversation stopped and everyone looked at her. She'd finished her second beer sometime before and the third was sitting in front of her on the coffee table. She cradled her head in her hands. Her words came out muffled. "That was terrible."

The others shared a glance, not sure what to do. Tosh reached over to rub Gwen's shoulder. "It wasn't that bad," she said, but the uncertainty in her voice wasn't particularly reassuring. "You did fine."

"I did awful," said Gwen without looking up. "I nearly got us all killed."

"We nearly get ourselves killed fine on our own." Owen was sitting on the floor in front of the sofa. He raised his beer in a sort of salute. "Nothing to do with you."

Gwen didn't answer or look at them. She didn't want to see the big bloody bandage wrapped around Ianto's arm from where the one of the aliens had bit into it, swollen and discolored from extraterrestrial bacteria. Or the sheer exhaustion in Tosh's face from three straight days of tracking the creature's movements. Owen looked fine for now, but his limp was painfully obvious when he walked. She'd been trapped under the fallen wall with him for just as long, but she'd come out unscathed only because of his quick reaction to push her beneath him.

They'd beaten the swarm in the end, and all 243 of the football sized, flying, red beetle-bats were contained. They'd only lost one building, four bystanders, and two unsuspecting cows in the effort. And laced the nearby water supply with Retcon.

Gwen had driven the full hour and a half back into Cardiff, white knuckled and silent the whole time. She hadn't spoken either when Owen checked them all over, first tending to Ianto's arm before moving on to the others. He'd muttered something about shock when he examined her, but she just shook her head and led the way to move the surviving members of the swarm into containment. Then Ianto had grabbed her elbow and led her over to a chair next to the sofa, put a beer in her hands and a blanket over her shoulders, and now it was past midnight and they were all sitting around getting drunk.

Gwen made a sort of half sob into her hands. "I can't do this," she said, her voice steady in spite of everything. "I can't do it. I suck at this. I have no idea what I'm doing."

"None of us do," muttered Owen.

Ianto just looked at her sadly. "Gwen..."

"I'm just the new girl. I shouldn't be leading. What the hell was I ever thinking? I can't lead. I'm not Jack."

There was a long silence, as there tended to be whenever Jack's name came up. Ianto looked away and sipped his beer. Tosh's hand stilled in its repetitive path up and down Gwen's back. Owen chugged the last bit of his second bottle and decided, _what the hell._

"Sure you are."

The other three all turned to stare at him like he was crazy. Maybe he was. You aren't really supposed to mix painkillers with alcohol but he'd gone for it anyway and he was feeling a bit loopy. And hey, Gwen had finally looked up.

"Fuck Jack," he continued. "We don't need him. We did great. You did what you needed to do. Congratulations, you're our new Captain."

He flashed her a salute. Gwen just continued to stare. Nobody else said anything.

"In fact," said Owen, feeling he might as well keep going as long as nobody was going to stop him, "I hereby declare you to be our new Jack. Duties include wearing a swishy coat and making sexual advances on all personnel and/or alien lifeforms. And you get to fuck Ianto."

Ianto made a sort of strangled noise. Owen smirked at him and took a swig out of Toshiko's abandoned drink. Ianto stared back, apparently debating whether or not to strangle him. Evidently he decided they'd had enough fighting for the time being and relaxed slightly, though there was a strange, mischievous look in his eye.

"So what does that make you, then?" he said.

Owen frowned at him. "What d'you mean?"

"If Gwen's Jack, who does that make you?" Ianto took a sip of his own beer without breaking eye contact.

"Oh," said Owen. "Well obviously, as her second in command, that makes me Gwen. My duties are to get upset when we're too mean to people and wear tight leather jackets."

Tosh sniggered a little and Owen looked up at her.

"That means you're me, Tosh. So you have to put plasters on our boo-boos and get drunk every night and be an arse. And Ianto gets to fiddle on the computers all day and buy shoes on the budget when nobody's looking."

He sat back against the sofa cushion, somewhat proud of himself. Tosh was a bit flushed and smiling and Gwen was sitting up a bit straighter, though she still looked pale and shaky. Ianto was frowning again.

"What's happened to my job, then?" he asked, sounding rather offended.

"Well we only have four people," said Owen crossly. "And five jobs. We'll have to split yours up. Tosh can make coffee, I'll take over sarcastic comments, and Gwen can be in charge of eye-rolling."

Ianto looked for a moment like he was going to say something very unpleasant to him, but he was interrupted by Gwen suddenly bursting out in a rather severe fit of giggles. They all turned to stare at her again.

Gwen curled up in her chair, clutching her stomach and failing to suppress her laughter. "Sorry," she managed, "I didn't mean to... You rolled your eyes right as he said that!"

Ianto blinked at her.

Tosh snorted and joined Gwen in her giggling. The two of them collapsed onto each other, laughing wildly. Owen gave up and laughed too. Ianto stared at them for a moment before relaxing and settling back with a smile, though he did throw a coaster at Owen's head.

"What about the archives, then?"

"Oh god, you can keep those," laughed Owen. "Do you expect us to do everything?"

A bottle cap barely missed him.

While the boys perpetuated their war of projectile napkins and coasters, Tosh stole her beer back from Owen. Taking a sip, she smirked and asked Gwen something. The question made Gwen gasp in a loud squeal that turned back into uncontrollable laughing.

"What?" asked Ianto. "What did she say?"

Gwen shook her head, still unable to form words. She gasped for breath and took a small sip of her beer.

Toshiko had a remarkably wicked grin on her face as she casually leaned against the back of the sofa and helped herself to another drink. "I said, if all four of us are Ianto, which one of us is Gwen fucking?"

Gwen's hysteria started anew and Owen joined in when Ianto flushed red again.

"You've got us there, Tosh," said Owen, and he clinked his empty bottle against hers in a toast. "There is a gaping hole in this plan. Or I guess she can just fuck all of us. I vote Tosh first."

This time, bottle caps and napkins rained from all directions, but they were all laughing too hard to care.

"And you don't have enough exotic alien stories," someone chastised Gwen later. It might have been Ianto, but she wasn't sure. "You'd better head down to the cells and see if any of our current guests strike your fancy."

"Oh dear, it's getting late. Owen, you'd better call home so Rhys doesn't worry."

"I don't know, Tosh, they're very nice shoes but I just don't think they'll fit."

"I think it's very important that we all decide now who gets to wear the tie."

None of them managed to get home that night. In the morning, Tosh was still on the couch, using Owen's lab coat as a blanket. Owen was propped up against the side of Ianto's chair, clad in Gwen's too-small jacket and Ianto's tie. Ianto was draped over the chair sideways, Tosh's reading glasses perched on his forehead. The room was littered with empty coffee mugs and bottles. All four of them were covered in adhesive plasters.

Gwen sat in her chair, drinking a hot mug of coffee (she'd made it herself), still draped in the blanket. She picked idly at one of her plasters, her only outward sign of the ridiculous party left. She'd put Jack's spare jacket away when she woke up. None of them needed the reminder of his absence, especially not sober.

"Feeling better?"

Gwen smiled back at Ianto's sleepy inquiry. He ran a hand through his mussed hair and started in surprise when it met Tosh's glasses.

"I'll be alright," she said. "How's your arm?"

"Better. What time is it?"

"Six," said Gwen. "You might as well go back to sleep."

"Nn," Ianto agreed, clearly uncomfortable in his awkward position but too tired to bother moving. He closed his eyes again.

Gwen smiled and stared up at Jack's office. 'Her' office. "We have work in three hours.


End file.
